I came across these thoughts in an article.


“You want to live by yourself one day.”
“You don’t always want your Mom to drive you around, do you?”
“Are you washing your own clothes, cooking your own meals?”
“Can you go to the store independently – by yourself?” “
Do you need someone to help you count money?”

These are all important points.
We want all our children to learn this and probably more.

However, I want you to shift focus for a bit.

Imagine your child is in Primary school. What would you like to see?

Thinking back about my adult son, Mohit.  Going back all those years.

I would loved to see him being able to play with other children. Happiness and joy on his face because he was able to connect with others. Also, the ability to make up with friends after an untoward incident.

I would want him to share snacks and spend time meaningfully with others.

I would want him to reach out for support from his class mates.

Moving over to middle school, high school

I would have liked to see him being independent in packing his lunch, snacks and books.
Having meaningful relationships with others. Understanding the true meaning of friendships.
Being part of a group, looking for support where needed.

 

Along with the academic growth.

Vocational center? Work?


I would look for getting along with others. Being independent in taking care of himself and good with navigating and managing changes in this world.

I would like an understanding of money concepts.
And to see him being regulated enough to reach out for help and support.
Not hesitant or overwhelmed in the face of uncertainties because he knows he can handle changes.


As an adult- is it just about skills?


A mother of an adult who had signed up for one of my courses, asked a very important question.

“My daughter is independent in many areas. When I’m ill she can cook a soup independently for me. She makes my smoothie on her own, because she knows I drink it every day. “ She said.

“Well, that’s really good.” I responded.

But there is more to life than completing skills independently. It’s about getting along with others. It’s about being able to regulate oneself in an interaction so you can continue to connect with others. It’s important to get along with others.

The mother was curious about this, for this was the reason she had approached me. While her young adult was independent in many skills, she couldn’t get along with others and often ended up having breakdowns at social gatherings.

That can be achieved by interacting with a more experienced individual who serves as a guide. Not just by learning skills related to tasks.

The skills mentioned in the opening paragraph are by no means, unimportant.
However, building up interdependence requires a different set of skills.

Dr Stephan Covey says,

“Human life is interdependent! We can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together. Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success.”


While this applies to business, it applies equally to life.

Let’s take a look from the autism perspective.

Merriam-Webster defines interdependence as a state of being dependent upon one another. Before I go further, this is far from the co-dependent idea of dependent. But interdependence is the symbiotic state of a world and communities, and people in that world engaging for the success of one another.

Each family has its own struggles. There is usually strength in numbers…and we are finding relief in the pursuit of interdependence. My daughter is relearning her value to me, and her team, and to herself. She is learning that she can do many things for herself but does not have to do anything by herself to prove herself. She is learning that we are with her on this road, and that we are for her!



RDI lends itself beautifully to this concept.
When we start off, we build a guided relationship between parents and child. Parents and children co regulate with other through varied activity frameworks such as playing ball, cleaning furniture at home, cooking and baking.

 

Take for example, playing ball. The child learns to interact with the parent and do a simple back and forth ball toss. Once the child understands this back and forth pattern, the parent changes it just slightly, by increasing the distance between them or by changing the position. If a change brings about resistance or dysregulation, the parent stays at that level and slows down the activity so that the child starts feeling competent again. Doing this regularly leads to co regulation. It’s important for the parent to stay calm through this process so that the child can borrow this calmness from the parent and soothe himself or herself.

The results of co regulation are immense for both parent and child. This is the way a child learns to connect with others, starting off with the parents.

The interaction between parents and children is the basis of future interactions with others.
Co regulation is the foundation for interdependence.

 

Watch this heart warming video of Daksh with his brother and friends.

 

How did we achieve this? Please note, it’s not fully smooth sailing as yet.
There are some hiccups on the way. But we’re slowly and surely getting there.


To recap:

1. Start by building a back and forth connection with your child (guided participation)
2. Both parents should be able to engage with their children
3. This interaction will lead to the child being able to overcome challenges, dysregulation, breakdowns ( coregulation)
4. Once you’re confident, include siblings and eventually build up dyads
5. Slowly, expand the circle
6. You may have to be there initially to provide the calming touch to your child
7. With practice, your child will be able to transfer the back and forth guided relationship with others

Please do work on areas of independence with your child- especially with regards to skills of daily living.

But don’t ignore building up interdependence. We want to build communities around our children. We want them to be able to engage with others and enjoy the messiness of this dynamic world.