At a recent meeting with Viji (Vishal’s mother), we discussed the future of our children.
Vishal is now 26 years old.

As our children become adults, the fact that we’re getting older too- hits us badly.
Minor and sometimes major health issues push us towards thinking about the future of our children.
It gets easy to get into the whirlpool of over thinking.

This is understandable. Afterall, if we don’t think of our children, who will?
Vishal is a skilled ‘Master Chef’ (as we all address him). Over the years, he has acquired many skills and is fairly independent.

However, living absolutely alone is not an option.

So we discussed various alternatives. One of which was to book a place in a residential center that could be suitable for him.
It should be accessible for parents to go spend some time with the youngster, while they all can.
This will ease the young man into residential life.
When he actually has to go there, it won’t take him by surprise.

Planning well, so that life doesn’t take us totally by surprise is essential.
Life has a habit of throwing curve balls at us. An element of uncertainty is to be expected.

We need to plan finances, choose guardians, have open and frank conversations with our other children (if this is an option), besides tying up other loose ends.

What is in our control and what we can do:

1. Plan for the future requirements of our children

I got an excellent tip from Mr Ranganathan (Prasad’s father), who is a finance professional. Mr Ranganathan is a core member of the Forum for Autism.
His advice was to put everything down on paper. Out of your head and onto paper.

This will release your anxiety and you’ll have a list of items/ tasks to be completed.
Once it’s on paper, you can work on your ‘to do’ list consciously.

If you need financial advice related to your adult’s future you can reach Mr Ranganathan at- ranganathan311@yahoo.com



2. Focus on the ‘Now’

Once you finish planning, focus on the now. Today is rich with the potential for experiences to connect with your child.

You may want to follow the 4 step process outlined below.

a) Build the 4 quadrants

Instead of stressing about what your child should do- item by item, work on the 4 quadrants. It’s an easy way to track working on essentials on a daily basis.

You may want to focus on building up each quadrant on a regular basis.

For example: if your child, teenager or adult already cycles, engages in some form of ball activity and cricket, the next step would be to add ‘running’ to the activities. Then basketball, playing cricket with others etc.

These images from my webinars will elucidate.

 

 

Over a period of time, you will have a robust list of activities for your child.

b) Focus on emotions

This important element goes missing, when we interact with our children.
We may be too pre occupied with different events of our lives.
Resulting in us not being fully present, when our children approach us.

Becoming aware of this is the first step.

While I was in conversation with a young mother, she pointed out that both her boys would get affected if she wasn’t fully present or available.

I felt like this too, with Tanya, when she was little. I wish I could turn the clock back. But life doesn’t work that way.

When your children come to you- whether on the spectrum or not- be present.

c) Focus on the core areas

We tend to classify everything into behavior and language. The prevalent thought process is, ‘if my child can speak then s/he will be sorted.’
Or ‘if my child behaves well, then everything will be fine.’

However, if we go deeper into core areas it would be much more productive.
For example- if a child is hyperactive and our sole aim is to reduce this, then we’re focusing on symptoms.

The core issue is the inability to self regulate or self inhibit.

If we work on this, automatically external behaviors come down.

The 5 core areas are-

• Can your child stop himself or herself from inhibiting a harmful action or obsessive thought process? (Self Regulation)

• Does your child understand his/her role in a situation without being explicitly told what to do?
In an emotionally charged situation, can your child calm himself down, with your support? (Co regulation)

• Many functions are related to your child feeling ‘competent’ or good about himself in a situation.
This leads to the building up of self. It gives the child personal agency. To be successful, our children need to feel competent.
Does your child feel competent? (Competence Development)

• Does your child understand what he needs to focus on at any given point of time, when there are multiple things happening? Can your child shift attention quickly when things are in a state of flux?
(Joint Attention)

• Does your child understand the impact of her actions on you? Does she take actions to repair the effect?
For example: your child may repeat the same thing 10 times, exhausting you in the process. Does she understand why she needs to stop and the impact it has on you? (Emotional Responsibility)

Read more in this article

d) Take care of your own health- so you can remain healthy

Life with our children is a marathon and not a sprint.
To prepare for this marathon, we need to take good care of ourselves.

I try my best to follow this in my own life.

Every Thursday, I book myself a massage to destress.
I don’t take meetings (except for one Professional training that I conduct on Thursday evenings).
I prefer to work at my own pace, catching up on stuff that I can’t work on during the rest of the week.

What do you do to take care of yourself?

Conclusion

I wrote this article as a reminder for myself, as much as I wrote it for you.

My main takeaways-

1. Plan what needs to be planned (what we can plan)
2. Once you’re done with the planning- live each day fully. Maximize the experience for yourself and your child.

This image by Eckhart Tolle, says it all.