Remember the legend of the musk deer?
One day the musk deer of the mountains sniffed a breath of musk perfume. He leaped from jungle to jungle in pursuit of the musk. But to no avail. Finally exhausted from his travails, he slipped from the rocks and fell. In the process his musk pouch raptured and spilled the perfume. He tried to inhale the fragrance. But it was too late.

What he looked for externally, was within him, all the time. He didn’t realize the fragrance emanated from him.

Why am I sharing this story with you? And especially as we transition to 2024?

Because I see you struggle. And as a mother of an adult on the spectrum, I’ve been through what you go through.
I understand your pain. I know your prayers- for your child’s happiness and growth.
‘Language must develop.’ ‘Behaviors must be under control.’ ‘My child should speak.’ ‘She must do well in school.’

I hear you. I know your aspirations. For they are no different from mine.

A mother I work with shared something recently. It impacted me hugely.
A family she knew sent their child to school at 8am. After school, the child was fed and changed in the car and then driven to 3 different therapies, before finally arriving home at 6 pm.
After this, the child did not have the bandwidth to engage with his parents. (who would?)
Nor did the parents have adequate time to be with their child and connect emotionally.

You have the power to help your child and impact him/her positively.
Why this extra reliance on others? Not to say that we shouldn’t seek advice and support from professionals. By all means, learn from them.
But remember one thing. No one knows your child better than you.
No one understands your child like you do. You were blessed with the mother’s (or father’s) instinct.

What’s going to happen after the child turns 16 or 18? How many therapies will s/he go for?
End of the day, our children come back home to us. We are the ones who need to be equipped to take care of our own child.

The emotional connect and responsibility cannot be outsourced.

For the first 17 years of Mohit’s life, I was more his therapist than his mother.
I used to put in 4-5 hours a day with him, teaching him language drills.
Day in and day out. For many years.

Yes, I taught him well. But our relationship was impacted. He would see me come in with the basket of ‘stuff’ we had. And he would try his best to escape and get away.
This led to aggression and shutdown in his teenage years.

At age 17, I decided to take the plunge with RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) and it changed his life and mine.

Through simple activities around the house, I began to engage with him. He started welcoming my presence instead of pushing me away. After each encounter, I felt calm and refreshed.

I shared with my teacher and mentor, Dr Steven Gutstein of RDI Connect.
I told him that not only did Mohit feel calm and regulated, after our interaction, but I did too.
He responded with a one liner, like he often does. “Yes, that’s the way it’s meant to be. It’s the power of Co-regulation.”

I want you to know there’s a better way. Perhaps, it’s time to give up the ‘old way,’ the frustration- and finally be free. Once you work on the core issue of building a back and forth guided relationship with your child, your struggle with academics, language, behaviors will also get much better.

Address the root. The emotional connect that regulates your child and you.
And see how you attain everything else, too.

Our children and adults are highly spiritual beings who have come to teach us ancient spiritual truths.

We think we’re making them competent by teaching them skills. But they’ve come to help us reflect on our competence.
They’ve come to the musk deer to remind them that the fragrance is within them.

You have everything within you. Stay strong. May 2024 be the year of us realizing our own capabilities. And of overcoming everything, tossed our way.