I see you hiding your son’s autism diagnosis.

 

You say to yourself, “he’s going to be fine. I won’t have to tell anyone.”

And you keep your fingers crossed.

 

In the deep recesses of your heart, you feel responsible… Somehow.

 

I see you.

 

I know what you’re going through. We’re connected mothers- through the bonds of our autistic children.

It’s 26 years since Mohit was diagnosed.

As time went by, he became more and more unlike children his age.

I struggled to connect with him, putting in hours of work every day.

The difference between him and others became more apparent.

 

He consumed all my time, my mind space. I kept working and waiting for the ‘recovery’ that did not happen.

I did not want to give up.

 

Perhaps someday, he would be ‘normal.’

But I felt I was fighting a losing battle.

 

I was on the floor, rumbling with my story, my pain, my loss.

 

This was not supposed to happen. This wasn’t meant to be my story.

 

Life went on. I opened a center to serve people on the autism spectrum and then another.

 

Finally, I found a beautiful, accepting way of working with my son. I learned to build a relationship with him and to parent him respectfully.

By this time, he was 17.

 

 

In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face the pain. You simply have to hurt.

• Rising Strong, Brene Brown.

 

Are we going off track here? Are we still talking about autism? Who needs to be forgiven? What needs to be forgiven?

 

Forgiveness for… Myself.

My forgiveness journey had begun.

 

The explanation appears in the same book.

 

We may need to bury our expectations or dreams. We may need to relinquish the power that comes with ‘being right’ or put to rest the idea that we can do what’s in our hearts and still retain the support or approval of others…

Whatever it is, it has to go. It isn’t good enough to box it up and set it aside. It has to die. It has to be grieved. That is a high price indeed. Sometimes it’s just too much.

 

I had to forgive myself for my old way of thinking.

 

Those images of what Mohit was ‘supposed to be like’ had to die.

 

The images of the career I had in mind for him (a businessman like his dad) had to die.

 

He is who he is. He is ‘Mohit.’

 

Another death had to happen too.

Death of the guilt I unknowingly carried around.

 

I didn’t realize how I was punishing myself.

I had let go of ‘me.’ I had stopped reading. Reading is integral to my being.

All I read were books on autism.

 

I had let my appearance go and put on oodles of weight.

I had to let the guilt and punishment go.

I had to reclaim myself.

 

It could have gone either way.

Luckily, it didn’t break me. It made me.

 

I revived. Stronger and braver.

 

I will let Lexington Sherbin enlighten you to this truth.

Nothing is better than hearing from somebody on the autism spectrum.

 

My sensory issues are extremely heightened. It comes with the gifts of my autism. I was the one who said that as hard as my challenges are, I would not give up the ability to hear the Universe, the Source and guides, and others the way I can. My ability to hear such a high frequency, enables me to do that. So yes, regular sounds are painful, my senses are so heightened I have seizures and meltdowns.

Yes, it comes with pain and it’s exhausting. But it’s our work.

You do not know what Autism really is.

We are not broken at all.

Take a moment to let these powerful thoughts sink in.

Actually, take a few days.

And once you’re done with the grieving, rise.

 

Give up expectations of what you wished your children would become.

Instead welcome them with all their talents and gifts.

They will far surpass the limited version you had of them.

They will shine in all their glory- if you support them fully.

 

 

I became a mother who saw her child in a new light. I developed different eyes.

The ‘Have to’ was replaced with ‘Get to.’

 

I get to spend time and interact with the most awesome people.

 

I get to live in the midst of unconditional love and acceptance.

 

I get to engage in a life that’s meaningful and deep.

 

I get to feel joyous about the little things of life.

 

I get to understand the mission and purpose of my life.

 

I get to find joy and beauty in things that others take for granted.

 

And yes! I get to see Mohit come up with all his beautiful artwork.

 

 

This is what I chose.

 

Live your life. Be happy.

 

Are you going to join me?