Instead of Fear, Let This Lead You

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel – Maya Angelou

This whiz solves dozens of jigsaw puzzles effortlessly.

Today I laid out a couple of puzzles in front of him. But me gave me a look that clearly said, “I’m not interested.” Eventually he put the puzzles pieces together – in a jiffy. But his disinterest was obvious.

I put out a drum and two drumsticks. I sang familiar songs. I tried being invitational, and asked him to join. All this while, the ‘not interested’ look never left his face.

He played with the skin of his fingers but did not touch the drum or drumsticks. He wasn’t being disruptive; just disengaged.

Hmmm… “What would you like to do, Shashank?” I asked. Suddenly a light bulb came on. “Would you like to cook?”

A smile spread across his face. He quickly got up and ran into the kitchen!

What a transformation: from a passive observer to an active contributor. And how!

We chopped tomatoes and peeled potatoes together to make a potato sabzi. The activity flowed along beautifully. I was amazed at his engagement.

(This is an 11-minute video. You can breeze through it to see how much Shashank enjoyed the activity.)

A couple of teachers stood outside and watched us. They asked just one question, “How did you manage this?” Shashank was amazing!

Viji, who had taught Shashank until 3 years ago, was watching.

“I watched open mouthed as Shashank engaged in a cooking session,” she said. “Instantly, my thoughts went back to the Shashank I had worked with almost every day for 7 years. He couldn’t sit patiently during an activity. He stimmed with anything he could find, and kept eating the veggie pieces he had chopped. Today, the young man chose to cook, chop vegetables quickly, decide what and how much of the spices to add, accepted challenges, waited patiently and solved problems! Mind blowing!”

Many people ask me the same question: “How do you manage this?”

Today, I will reveal my secret.

When I work with someone with autism, I say to him, “You know everything. You have to lead. Show me how you want to take this ahead.”

Ellen Notbohm says it beautifully.

Source: Ellen Notbohm

While caring for your child with autism, as a parent, you might find it difficult to let the child lead. That’s understandable. It’s not your fault. Our activities and frameworks help parents and their children form trust between each other. But before this trust is formed, there could be negative history. Negative baggage might exist in the minds of parent and child. The child might find it difficult to trust that the parent has his best intentions in mind, because communication between them is poor. The parent might not have faith in the child’s abilities, and hence could become forceful. This, in turn, will drive a deeper wedge in their trust, and relationship. It creates fear in both. Fear of uncertainties, of consequences.

As a consultant, I’m at an advantage. The individual on the autism spectrum does not have negative history with me. By connecting with him, I can present an objective picture. By focusing on the activity and not attaching myself to the outcome, I can enter the realm without fear. This leads to two things. First, it reassures the child and makes him feel accepted. Second, it highlights the child’s competence, and encourages the parent to keep striving.

What has changed? It’s not about improvement in the skill of someone with autism. It’s about the competence emerging from facing challenges. Competence feeds directly into intrinsic motivation. This loop, when reinforced time and again leads to an enhanced sense of self.

Shashank viewed himself as a competent, decision maker and a capable individual. It’s about how he person feels. It’s about how he views himself. This is the most significant factor responsible for the change that we see in people with autism.

Here is something that I want to frame so that I can look at it all the time. You can frame it too if you like!

My dear friend, change has to begin within you first. Then, only then, does the child change.

Unfortunately, we try to change the child. We try to make him be the person we want to be. I believe we have got it wrong. What if he’s here to change you?

Be driven by faith, dear parent, instead of fear. Faith in your child, in his abilities, and in your relationship with him. Faith has helped me with my son. It has helped every parent who has built a beautiful relation with their child. And it will help you too. I can assure you of that.

Think about it. And do share your thoughts with me. This subject is really close to my heart. I would love it if you share your insights with me.