3 Ways to Help Your Child Manage His Anxiety

Mohit covered his eyes and put his head down. I sat beside him in the airplane.

His anxiety was thick enough to be cut with a knife. My heart raced as I visualized the impeding meltdown. I feared the worst because I had experienced it before.

I looked at Anil, who sat calmly across the aisle. Sensing the fear in me, he offered to exchange seats. I gratefully accepted.

Dear Parent, you have experienced your child’s anxiety too. Studies show that anxiety in children with autism weaves its way through the fabric of the condition.

Here are questions I’ve received recently:

“Why does my son keep repeating the same question? I just answered him a second ago. I’m really exasperated.”

“My daughter gets into ritualistic behavior. She wants me to do something a ‘particular’ way. If I don’t do what she says, she has a meltdown. Please help me.”

“It disturbs my son that he doesn’t have friends. He wakes up in cold sweat, having that same nightmare repeatedly. I’m at my wit’s end.”

As a parent, I totally relate to your feelings.

You gave up a lot for your child – possibly even your career.

All those hours of hard work with him, meeting specialists, taking him for speech and OT… and yet…

Your child has definitely made gains but his anxiety and stress takes the joy out of existence. You end up losing your temper with him, which makes you feel worse later.

Take a deep breath and view your situation from afar. Things are not how they seem.

Your child does not do this deliberately. He’s not here to make your life miserable. For a minute, focus on what he goes through.

The uncertainty of life, coupled with the overwhelming of his senses.

The dynamism of life, coupled with his inability to deal with changes.

The intensity of his emotions, coupled with the inability to express himself.

Can you imagine how it feels for him? No wonder he is bogged down by anxiety.

source: AWS

Anxiety is a co-occurring condition that compromises the beauty that autism can bring. It must be addressed. When anxiety in your child reduces, you and he can communicate better. He can enjoy better relations, hold a job, and pursue an independent life. Isn’t that what you want for your child?

This 3 pronged approach has helped several families, including my own.

The 3-pronged approach to help manage anxiety in children with autism is:

1. Deal with your anxiety first
2. Set up a physical regime for your child
3. Use ‘Just Noticeable Differences’

Now, let me elaborate on each of these techniques in more detail.

1. Deal with Your Anxiety First

Remember the instructions a flight attendant gives? Put on your oxygen mask first before your neighbor with his. The same applies to you and your child.

You need to be in prime condition – physically, mentally and emotionally. Make yourself a priority and take good care of yourself. Not just for yourself, but for your family too.

Deal with your own fears and anxiety. I’m not here to preach. I’ve been in your position. I know how painful it is.

In the airplane incident above, Mohit calmed down within 5 minutes of Anil sitting by him. Anil was fearless. He massaged Mohit’s fingers, spoke reassuringly to him and let him know that he was there for him.

My own feelings of fear and anxiety probably aggravated things for Mohit.

Get help from trusted guide or a counselor about your own anxiety. It’s highly beneficial. I addressed my own anxiety by seeking help too. There is no shame in it.

2. Set Up a Physical Regime for Your Child

Research shows that physical activity is a powerful way to combat anxiety and depression.

Which physical activity does your child enjoy? Walking, running, playing cricket, tennis, cycling – they all work well.

source: Patient Talk

An hour of physical activity per day is a tried and tested formula for reducing anxiety.

I recommend hiring somebody else to work with your child on this. Oh yes, practice it yourself too. It will calm you down and give you some time off to pursue your own interests too.

3. Just Noticeable Differences

Anxiety is related to being overwhelmed by uncertainty. People with autism react with the fight or flight syndrome.

I’ve discovered something interesting in the last seven years.

When my students feel uncertain, they prefer to not engage with the situation (flight). Or they experience meltdowns (fight).

What if we could help them by giving them tiny doses to deal with?

Just noticeable differences (JNDs) are the feeling of experiencing slight discomfort, but not being overwhelmed by it.

I have worked with Vishal and his family for the past ten years.

Earlier he would erupt into rage and meltdowns – with seemingly no triggers. With language development came high anxiety. Our behavior plan did not work.

What helped were Just Noticeable Differences.

We set up simple activities like tossing a ball back and forth. waited for Vishal to perceive the pattern.

Once he exhibited competence, we would introduce a slight variation.

This would produce some of anxiety. We let him experience it by slowing down and not giving any instructions.

The below video is an example of how his mother Viji conducted, and still continues with JNDs. It should give you some ideas.

This helped him to study the situation and deal with it.

We repeated this over several days with several activities like ball play, drumming, singing together.

Over a few months, Vishal was a changed person (like is visible in the video). He didn’t get into the fight or flight mode. On the contrary he handled uncertainty.

This opened up a whole new world for him and his family. (Read his inspiring story here.)

You, as a parent, can guide your child to stay in that zone of discomfort and yet not be overwhelmed by it.

In the past people have applied different strategies.

Weighted blankets, bio medical interventions, homeopathy, Ayurvedic treatments, medication. You can use any of these under the guidance of specialists.

I have seen huge benefits by empowering parents, increasing exercise timings and introducing JNDs – with Mohit and each of my students.

Anxiety has created havoc in your child’s life as well as yours. But it doesn’t have to stay.

Try the above mentioned three-pronged approach for twenty one days and see the wonder it creates in your life.

If you require assistance with treating your child, do get in touch with us.

Main image credit: Practical Cures